‘Scorpions’ Apologizes for Playing ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ to Harvey Victims at Charity Concert

A charity concert held on Wednesday that was meant to lift spirits instead drew ire due to an unfortunate set list oversight. The event was arranged for victims of Hurricane Harvey and took place outside of Corpus Christi, Texas, with all donations and proceeds from concessions going to relief charities. However, the mood was soured when the metal band Scorpions took to the stage and began to play one of their signature songs, “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” The concertgoers, many of whom had suffered substantial loss due to Harvey, were appalled, booing until Scorpions left the stage.

The lead organizer of the event took responsibility for the gaffe. “It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion,” he told reporters. “We heard the intro and realized we had messed up, but it was far too late to do anything but watch it unfold.” In a public statement, the band apologized to the victims of Hurricane Harvey for their insensitive song choice, with lead singer Klaus Meine observing that the band and Hurricane Harvey had a similar negative reception in Texas this week. Photo Credit: Nick Ares / Wikimedia.

Social Justice Activists Sue NASA for not Making Solar Eclipse Accessible to all Americans

According to a lawsuit filed on Monday afternoon, several social justice groups are suing NASA over the most recent solar eclipse. The suit alleges that NASA engaged in discriminatory practices by failing to reschedule or redistribute the eclipse so that the phenomenon was available to every American. One of the activist groups published the following statement:

“The path of the total solar eclipse passed bisected the contiguous United States in a thin line from Oregon to South Carolina, leaving most Americans without the opportunity to see the best effects. NASA repeatedly ignored our requests to either widen the path of the total eclipse or to reschedule it for a later date.”

When asked for comment in a Skype interview, a spokesman for NASA sighed, placed his head in his hands, and began muttering before cutting off the video feed. Photo Credit: NASA.

Intelligence Report Confirms North Korean Missiles use Diet Coke and Mentos as Propulsion

This past week has been a tumultuous international contest of strength as North Korea and the United States refuse to stand down, touting their military capabilities and ability to destroy each other and the world several times over. However, North Korea may be overstating the readiness and effectiveness levels of its Intercontinental Ballistic Missile program, claiming that the warheads are able to reach U.S. territories such as Guam.

An intelligence report circulating in Washington D.C., Tokyo, Seoul, and Beijing today indicates that rather than using conventional rocket engines, North Korean missiles rely solely on the physical reaction between Diet Coke and Mentos. The specifications outlined in the report estimate that North Korean ballistic missiles have an approximate range of 10 meters from launch, slightly less than the 3,430 kilometers that separate North Korea and Guam. This revelation is not particularly shocking, as last month another report confirmed that due to a shortage of gunpowder the North Korean Army was manufacturing land mines filled with Pop Rocks instead of explosive material. Photo Credit: Kalamazoo Public Library.

Special Counsel Mueller Expands Team to Include Hot Dog Cart, Soft Pretzel Vendor

The impaneling of a grand jury by special counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday has unfortunately overshadowed other important news. Mueller welcomed two new members to his team of experienced prosecutors and lawyers: a hot dog cart and a soft pretzel vendor. Reports indicate that the investigative team was tired of eating frozen and pre-prepared meals during their work and used the freedom afforded to the special counsel to secure two sources of fresh hot food for the office.

The White House legal team indicated that they were investigating possible conflicts of interest in the two new hires, including whether either vendor had sold food to Hillary Clinton or other Democratic politicians in the past. Photo Credit: Kathleen Tyler Conklin.

New Electric Car Brand, Edison, Appears to be Selling Old Teslas

The above image, a 2016 Tesla Model S, is also being sold by the new electric car company, Edison, as the 2017 Edison Model R. Tesla founder Elon Musk released the specifications of his electric cars years ago in an attempt to help save the environment, but never intended for a competitor to copy them this blatantly. The CEO of Edison, Ulon Mesk, has said he has nothing but respect for Mr. Musk, and he is only trying to improve upon his initial design. It is unclear if there is a single difference between the two cars. It should also be noted that Mr. Mesk appears to be Mr. Musk, but wearing a novelty mustache. A reporter was unable to get close enough to attempt to take it off.

Factories Experimenting with Cattle Prods to Motivate Underperforming Workers

Several manufacturing plants in the United States have introduced a new tool aimed at increasing worker productivity. Employees will receive a “humane” electric shock at their workstations when their actions per minute drop below a standardized factory minimum.

Factory owners are in perpetual search of methods of increasing worker productivity, though older practices such as locking fire doors have fallen out of practice. The use of cattle prods is part of a new generation of innovation, one that complies with the “restrictive” workplace safety standards that hamstring production in many countries.

Cold War 2: Cold Harder

Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts

In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 

Millennials are Killing the “Reporting on Millennials” Market

Due to the actions of millennials, another once booming industry is in freefall. Millennials entering adulthood and becoming consumers in the news market are sabotaging the market for reporting on how their generation is ruining the world. One reporter complained that “millennials have less money to spend out of college and they are using it for things like student loan payments and rent instead of buying magazines that blame them for our country’s woes. It is truly disgusting how this entitled generation is selfishly destroying industries that those before them worked to build.”

A millennial interviewed by Real Fake News Report tried to excuse his behavior by explaining: “I’m making minimum wage with a bachelor’s degree and I can barely afford to eat three meals a day. There’s no way I’m buying some overpriced magazines every month.” In spite of stagnant wages and skyrocketing tuition costs, millennials will just have to suck it up and cut out some of their other expenses to save the industry. Photo Credit: Jon S.

Musicians Should Just Stop Being Sad and Make Happy Music Instead

Music is often seen as an escape, both for musicians and listeners. People turn to the art form to deal with hardship, mental illness, and other issues that many just cannot bring up in daily life. Several advice columnists have recently spoken up in an attempt to help both the musicians who vent through their work as well as those who find the music relatable. One such guru noted that musicians approach their art in the wrong way, arguing that making happy, upbeat music would make them feel better. He elaborated on this concept, writing “”why do people talk about their feelings and make sad music? It just brings other people down. Keep your crazy to yourself.” Other writers have expressed similar opinions: emotionally intense or “sad” music has a negative impact on listeners. Musicians should focus on lyrics that reassure their fans that the world is perfect and everything will be alright.

The theory behind switching to happy music is that if one ignores all negative feelings and puts on the appearance of being content with life, eventually those terrible thoughts will cease to exist. In a time where admitting to mental health issues and receiving care is heavily stigmatized, the best treatment is faking happiness until the issues go away. Photo Credit: Robert Pastryk.