FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts


In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 


Vaccine Rates up 300 Percent in Suburbs after Doctors Begin Marketing Shots as ‘Gluten-Free’

In response to increases in preventable diseases associated with the anti-vaccination movement, the American Medical Association has partnered with the Food and Drug Administration to renew faith in the practice. Doctors are now offering “gluten-free” vaccines, and plan to expand the campaign to include vaccines that are “grass-fed” and “free range”.

One former anti-vaccination supporter, who wished to remain anonymous, gave an interview lauding the new vaccines, stating: “I’ve read on so many blogs how gluten can be harmful and even kill you! I’m glad doctors have finally started to be responsible about what they inject our children with.” A disclosure form provided by the Food and Drug Administration revealed that while the labelling had changed, there was no difference between the old and new vaccines. Photo Credit: Sgt. Christopher Jones / Wikimedia Commons.