Intelligence Report Confirms North Korean Missiles use Diet Coke and Mentos as Propulsion

This past week has been a tumultuous international contest of strength as North Korea and the United States refuse to stand down, touting their military capabilities and ability to destroy each other and the world several times over. However, North Korea may be overstating the readiness and effectiveness levels of its Intercontinental Ballistic Missile program, claiming that the warheads are able to reach U.S. territories such as Guam.

An intelligence report circulating in Washington D.C., Tokyo, Seoul, and Beijing today indicates that rather than using conventional rocket engines, North Korean missiles rely solely on the physical reaction between Diet Coke and Mentos. The specifications outlined in the report estimate that North Korean ballistic missiles have an approximate range of 10 meters from launch, slightly less than the 3,430 kilometers that separate North Korea and Guam. This revelation is not particularly shocking, as last month another report confirmed that due to a shortage of gunpowder the North Korean Army was manufacturing land mines filled with Pop Rocks instead of explosive material. Photo Credit: Kalamazoo Public Library.


Cold War 2: Cold Harder


Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

Trump Recommends Flat-Earth Theorist to Head National Mapping Agency

The latest exodus of career government employees has left several agencies without direction. President Trump took the first step towards filling these vacancies on Monday by writing an official recommendation to the Director of National Intelligence naming Flat-Earth theorist Eric Dubay a top candidate for the position of Director at the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency, which is responsible for promoting national security by providing imaging and mapping services and intelligence.

When pressed for comment, President Trump replied: “We don’t really know if the Earth is round, okay? It could be round, it could be flat. It doesn’t feel round, okay? Why doesn’t everything fall off the bottom? We don’t know.” Photo Credit: Trevor Paglen.

Kamala Harris Aggressively Questions Mitch McConnell about his Lunch


Senator Kamala Harris, who made waves during the testimonies of Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey, has again made the news for her prosecutorial style of asking questions. In a brief conversation with Senator Mitch McConnell, Senator Harris was quoted as asking “You had a hamburger? What was on it? Cheese? Lettuce? Ketchup or mustard?”

Senator Harris’s line of questioning reportedly made McConnell ‘flustered and nervous’ at which point she was asked to let McConnell answer at his own pace. Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore.

Bernie Sanders uses Profits from Socialist Manifesto to Buy Fourth House


Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont’s new bestselling book Equalize the Wealth: Planning for a Better America has been flying off of bookstore shelves nationwide. At the low price of $49.99, it is hardly surprising that Senator Sanders was able to purchase his fourth home, a spacious lakeside mansion in Vermont. Photo Credit: Phil Roeder.

The Zucchini Industry is Dying: Millennials Probably to Blame


Another one of America’s most important crops is going the way of the dodo thanks to millennials, apparently. It leads us to ask: What industry death will millennials probably be at fault for next?

White House Kitchen Staff Denies Collusion after Preparation of Perfect Beef Stroganoff


House Democrats called for an investigation into possible collusion between the White House kitchen staff and the Russian government after images of President Trump being served a perfectly prepared dish of Beef Stroganoff surfaced online Friday. Photo Credit: Samantha Appleton.