In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained.