FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts


In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 


Millennials are Killing the “Reporting on Millennials” Market

Due to the actions of millennials, another once booming industry is in freefall. Millennials entering adulthood and becoming consumers in the news market are sabotaging the market for reporting on how their generation is ruining the world. One reporter complained that “millennials have less money to spend out of college and they are using it for things like student loan payments and rent instead of buying magazines that blame them for our country’s woes. It is truly disgusting how this entitled generation is selfishly destroying industries that those before them worked to build.”

A millennial interviewed by Real Fake News Report tried to excuse his behavior by explaining: “I’m making minimum wage with a bachelor’s degree and I can barely afford to eat three meals a day. There’s no way I’m buying some overpriced magazines every month.” In spite of stagnant wages and skyrocketing tuition costs, millennials will just have to suck it up and cut out some of their other expenses to save the industry. Photo Credit: Jon S.

Musicians Should Just Stop Being Sad and Make Happy Music Instead

Music is often seen as an escape, both for musicians and listeners. People turn to the art form to deal with hardship, mental illness, and other issues that many just cannot bring up in daily life. Several advice columnists have recently spoken up in an attempt to help both the musicians who vent through their work as well as those who find the music relatable. One such guru noted that musicians approach their art in the wrong way, arguing that making happy, upbeat music would make them feel better. He elaborated on this concept, writing “”why do people talk about their feelings and make sad music? It just brings other people down. Keep your crazy to yourself.” Other writers have expressed similar opinions: emotionally intense or “sad” music has a negative impact on listeners. Musicians should focus on lyrics that reassure their fans that the world is perfect and everything will be alright.

The theory behind switching to happy music is that if one ignores all negative feelings and puts on the appearance of being content with life, eventually those terrible thoughts will cease to exist. In a time where admitting to mental health issues and receiving care is heavily stigmatized, the best treatment is faking happiness until the issues go away. Photo Credit: Robert Pastryk.

Majority of Americans Cannot Tell Real News From Fake News/Satire


According to a recent study, 83% of Americans polled put at least five out of ten headlines into the wrong categories, and 26% got seven out of ten wrong. That’s right, a large majority of Americans just cannot tell the difference between real and fake news. A popular “fake” article that was placed in the “real” category was “UN Panel Concludes Global Warming a Fraud” with 68% of respondents falling for it. On the other end of the spectrum, a popular “real” article that was placed in the “fake” category was “President Trump Under Investigation by FBI” with 58% of respondents getting it wrong. Now more than ever, it is our civic duty to keep ourselves up to date with the facts, and to make sure that we do not fall for fake news.

White House Staffer Heroically Smashes President’s Phone during Twitter Rant

A senior White House staffer was commended by White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci for “accidentally” destroying the President’s cell phone with a sledgehammer during a mid-morning tweetstorm that threatened to release damaging information on the administration. When President Trump put down his phone to raise the volume on Fox & Friends, the aide rushed forward and selflessly pummeled the phone into oblivion, denying the President the ability to undermine his legal team’s defense preparations.

We Cannot Forget the Kardashians


In a media age dominated by coverage of President Trump and his policies, it can be easy to forget that there are other stories going on right now. This is why I am taking a stand and running a story about America’s most important family, the Kardashians.

Earlier this week, Kim ate a sandwich. In her own words, “It was good.” Fascinating! Kylie tried on some new lipstick and Instagram loved it! Aside from all of the hate mail, that is, but nothing can stop her! Kendall and Kourtney spent a relaxing weekend getaway in Mexico; how lucky are they! Also, Caitlyn still hasn’t committed vehicular homicide since her transition, how brave! All in all, it looks like the Kardashians had a pretty good week.

Ivanka Resigns as Trump’s Daughter


Ouch, another major blow to President Trump! Ivanka is resigning the role of his daughter. “I think it’s time to do some re-branding,” Ivanka stated, “and just like one of my ancestors changed their last name from Drumpf to Trump, I think I’ll change my last name to Tront. It is time for me to disown my father and his name and become my own woman.”

So what does this mean for President Trump? He’s now out of a Press Secretary, the head of his legal team, and his daughter, all in the same day. With so much turmoil in the White House, we better hope he’s still got his head on straight.