Social Justice Activists Sue NASA for not Making Solar Eclipse Accessible to all Americans

According to a lawsuit filed on Monday afternoon, several social justice groups are suing NASA over the most recent solar eclipse. The suit alleges that NASA engaged in discriminatory practices by failing to reschedule or redistribute the eclipse so that the phenomenon was available to every American. One of the activist groups published the following statement:

“The path of the total solar eclipse passed bisected the contiguous United States in a thin line from Oregon to South Carolina, leaving most Americans without the opportunity to see the best effects. NASA repeatedly ignored our requests to either widen the path of the total eclipse or to reschedule it for a later date.”

When asked for comment in a Skype interview, a spokesman for NASA sighed, placed his head in his hands, and began muttering before cutting off the video feed. Photo Credit: NASA.


New Electric Car Brand, Edison, Appears to be Selling Old Teslas

Tesla Model S P70

The above image, a 2016 Tesla Model S, is also being sold by the new electric car company, Edison, as the 2017 Edison Model R. Tesla founder Elon Musk released the specifications of his electric cars years ago in an attempt to help save the environment, but never intended for a competitor to copy them this blatantly. The CEO of Edison, Ulon Mesk, has said he has nothing but respect for Mr. Musk, and he is only trying to improve upon his initial design. It is unclear if there is a single difference between the two cars. It should also be noted that Mr. Mesk appears to be Mr. Musk, but wearing a novelty mustache. A reporter was unable to get close enough to attempt to take it off.

Majority of Americans Cannot Tell Real News From Fake News/Satire


According to a recent study, 83% of Americans polled put at least five out of ten headlines into the wrong categories, and 26% got seven out of ten wrong. That’s right, a large majority of Americans just cannot tell the difference between real and fake news. A popular “fake” article that was placed in the “real” category was “UN Panel Concludes Global Warming a Fraud” with 68% of respondents falling for it. On the other end of the spectrum, a popular “real” article that was placed in the “fake” category was “President Trump Under Investigation by FBI” with 58% of respondents getting it wrong. Now more than ever, it is our civic duty to keep ourselves up to date with the facts, and to make sure that we do not fall for fake news.

Obesity Epidemic in America Threatens to Tip Over the World


As we all know, the Earth is flat, and The United States of America lies almost directly on the eastern edge. Over the past few decades, America’s population has gotten more and more obese. According to the findings of prominent researchers in the field, the Earth could soon flip over if America does not get their obesity epidemic under control soon. If no action is taken, then at best we have ten years before these fat Americans flip over the Earth and send us all hurtling into the empty vacuum of space.

Pluto Decides Earth is No Longer a Planet


According to a transmission received by NASA, the denizens of Pluto have declared that they no longer consider Earth to be a planet. This is incredible news, as it is the first time we have ever had proof that life outside of Earth exists. However, this is also terrible news, because apparently life outside of Earth is incredibly petty. The Plutonians have based their decision on the fact that Earthlings declared that Pluto was not a planet way back in 2006. What a terrible way for us to meet our celestial neighbors.

NASA to Sell Sweets, Bag Groceries to Fund Space Exploration

Just days after announcing that a lack of funding had put future Mars missions on hold, NASA released a new plan for scraping together the money to continue operating. NASA will take a page out of the Girl Scouts of America’s playbook, selling candy and cookies door to door as well as sending astronauts to local grocery stores to bag for tips.

It is unclear how effective the campaign will be and how long raising the estimated 100 billion dollars needed for the next Mars mission will take, but NASA administrators remain confident that their Moon Cakes and Astronaut Ice Cream will be big sellers nationwide. Photo Credit: Robert Markowitz / NASA.

Vaccine Rates up 300 Percent in Suburbs after Doctors Begin Marketing Shots as ‘Gluten-Free’

In response to increases in preventable diseases associated with the anti-vaccination movement, the American Medical Association has partnered with the Food and Drug Administration to renew faith in the practice. Doctors are now offering “gluten-free” vaccines, and plan to expand the campaign to include vaccines that are “grass-fed” and “free range”.

One former anti-vaccination supporter, who wished to remain anonymous, gave an interview lauding the new vaccines, stating: “I’ve read on so many blogs how gluten can be harmful and even kill you! I’m glad doctors have finally started to be responsible about what they inject our children with.” A disclosure form provided by the Food and Drug Administration revealed that while the labelling had changed, there was no difference between the old and new vaccines. Photo Credit: Sgt. Christopher Jones / Wikimedia Commons.