Intelligence Report Confirms North Korean Missiles use Diet Coke and Mentos as Propulsion

This past week has been a tumultuous international contest of strength as North Korea and the United States refuse to stand down, touting their military capabilities and ability to destroy each other and the world several times over. However, North Korea may be overstating the readiness and effectiveness levels of its Intercontinental Ballistic Missile program, claiming that the warheads are able to reach U.S. territories such as Guam.

An intelligence report circulating in Washington D.C., Tokyo, Seoul, and Beijing today indicates that rather than using conventional rocket engines, North Korean missiles rely solely on the physical reaction between Diet Coke and Mentos. The specifications outlined in the report estimate that North Korean ballistic missiles have an approximate range of 10 meters from launch, slightly less than the 3,430 kilometers that separate North Korea and Guam. This revelation is not particularly shocking, as last month another report confirmed that due to a shortage of gunpowder the North Korean Army was manufacturing land mines filled with Pop Rocks instead of explosive material. Photo Credit: Kalamazoo Public Library.

Special Counsel Mueller Expands Team to Include Hot Dog Cart, Soft Pretzel Vendor

The impaneling of a grand jury by special counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday has unfortunately overshadowed other important news. Mueller welcomed two new members to his team of experienced prosecutors and lawyers: a hot dog cart and a soft pretzel vendor. Reports indicate that the investigative team was tired of eating frozen and pre-prepared meals during their work and used the freedom afforded to the special counsel to secure two sources of fresh hot food for the office.

The White House legal team indicated that they were investigating possible conflicts of interest in the two new hires, including whether either vendor had sold food to Hillary Clinton or other Democratic politicians in the past. Photo Credit: Kathleen Tyler Conklin.

Cold War 2: Cold Harder

Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

Majority of Americans Cannot Tell Real News From Fake News/Satire

According to a recent study, 83% of Americans polled put at least five out of ten headlines into the wrong categories, and 26% got seven out of ten wrong. That’s right, a large majority of Americans just cannot tell the difference between real and fake news. A popular “fake” article that was placed in the “real” category was “UN Panel Concludes Global Warming a Fraud” with 68% of respondents falling for it. On the other end of the spectrum, a popular “real” article that was placed in the “fake” category was “President Trump Under Investigation by FBI” with 58% of respondents getting it wrong. Now more than ever, it is our civic duty to keep ourselves up to date with the facts, and to make sure that we do not fall for fake news.

White House Staffer Heroically Smashes President’s Phone during Twitter Rant

A senior White House staffer was commended by White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci for “accidentally” destroying the President’s cell phone with a sledgehammer during a mid-morning tweetstorm that threatened to release damaging information on the administration. When President Trump put down his phone to raise the volume on Fox & Friends, the aide rushed forward and selflessly pummeled the phone into oblivion, denying the President the ability to undermine his legal team’s defense preparations.

Ivanka Resigns as Trump’s Daughter

Ouch, another major blow to President Trump! Ivanka is resigning the role of his daughter. “I think it’s time to do some re-branding,” Ivanka stated, “and just like one of my ancestors changed their last name from Drumpf to Trump, I think I’ll change my last name to Tront. It is time for me to disown my father and his name and become my own woman.”

So what does this mean for President Trump? He’s now out of a Press Secretary, the head of his legal team, and his daughter, all in the same day. With so much turmoil in the White House, we better hope he’s still got his head on straight.

Trump Christens ‘Lucille’, his New “Negotiating Stick” with Clubbing of Minority Leader Schumer

2017 marks the 161st anniversary of the infamous caning of Senator Charles Sumner, an event that President Trump emulated on Wednesday, striking Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer several times with a baseball bat before yelling “Now you have something to cry about!” and fleeing the Senate chambers.

When asked about the addition of the bat to his negotiating arsenal, President Trump replied:
“A great guy said once to speak softly and carry a big stick. But I’m the best guy okay? So I’ll yell loud and I’ll carry the biggest stick. Believe me. It’s the greatest. You’ll love it.” Photo Credit: Alex Brandon / AP Photo.

White House Lawyers Double Down, Question Existence of Russia in Press Release

The daily publication of new information related to alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government has left the White House legal team rushing to respond. Lawyers for the President, instead of answering each new allegation separately, have opted for a different approach.

“The witch hunt defaming the President’s campaign practices is unprecedented and completely unfounded,” wrote newly hired lawyer Ty Cobb. “We do not even know if this alleged state of Russia exists, let alone whether there was meddling or collusion on anyone’s part during the election.”

Democrats Still Call For Hillary Clinton to Endure a Game of Thrones Style “Walk of Shame” over “Unloseable” Election

Eight months later, Democratic voters are still upset after the unexpected loss of the presidential election. They now have their anger aimed at their losing candidate, Hillary Clinton. Voters have rallied together, demanding that Hillary endures a “walk of shame” in the likes of HBO’s Game of Thrones. An online petition has already gathered over 400,000 signatures, so it looks like it may be time to hire a nun to follow Hilary around the streets of DC.

Yosemite National Park to Be Turned Into Yosemite National Industrial Park

As per President Trump’s orders, Yosemite National Park is to be the first of many to be transformed into National Industrial Parks. In a quote, President Trump defended this policy decision. “Here in America, we’ve got so much nature. We’ve got the best nature. And we’ve got the best industry, but we can improve it. So why not improve it? So that’s why I’m making these National Parks Natural Industrial Parks. Who doesn’t love a National Park? And they’ll only be better as industrial parks. Believe me. It’ll be the best Natural Industrial Park in the world. You’ll love it.”