New Electric Car Brand, Edison, Appears to be Selling Old Teslas

Tesla Model S P70

The above image, a 2016 Tesla Model S, is also being sold by the new electric car company, Edison, as the 2017 Edison Model R. Tesla founder Elon Musk released the specifications of his electric cars years ago in an attempt to help save the environment, but never intended for a competitor to copy them this blatantly. The CEO of Edison, Ulon Mesk, has said he has nothing but respect for Mr. Musk, and he is only trying to improve upon his initial design. It is unclear if there is a single difference between the two cars. It should also be noted that Mr. Mesk appears to be Mr. Musk, but wearing a novelty mustache. A reporter was unable to get close enough to attempt to take it off.


Factories Experimenting with Cattle Prods to Motivate Underperforming Workers

Several manufacturing plants in the United States have introduced a new tool aimed at increasing worker productivity. Employees will receive a “humane” electric shock at their workstations when their actions per minute drop below a standardized factory minimum.

Factory owners are in perpetual search of methods of increasing worker productivity, though older practices such as locking fire doors have fallen out of practice. The use of cattle prods is part of a new generation of innovation, one that complies with the “restrictive” workplace safety standards that hamstring production in many countries.

FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts


In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 

Millennials are Killing the “Reporting on Millennials” Market

Due to the actions of millennials, another once booming industry is in freefall. Millennials entering adulthood and becoming consumers in the news market are sabotaging the market for reporting on how their generation is ruining the world. One reporter complained that “millennials have less money to spend out of college and they are using it for things like student loan payments and rent instead of buying magazines that blame them for our country’s woes. It is truly disgusting how this entitled generation is selfishly destroying industries that those before them worked to build.”

A millennial interviewed by Real Fake News Report tried to excuse his behavior by explaining: “I’m making minimum wage with a bachelor’s degree and I can barely afford to eat three meals a day. There’s no way I’m buying some overpriced magazines every month.” In spite of stagnant wages and skyrocketing tuition costs, millennials will just have to suck it up and cut out some of their other expenses to save the industry. Photo Credit: Jon S.

CEOs to Offer High Interest Loans Instead of Pay Raises to Financially Struggling Employees

The senior leadership of several large US based companies have announced a new assistance program for employees struggling to make ends meet amid calls for liveable wages. The companies plan to use extra capital to provide loans to their employees at rates slightly higher than the alleged “predatory” payday loans that many are currently forced to take out. This would allow them to pay the difference of rent, utilities, food, and other living expenses that exceed the amount employees make working full time.

In a public relations statement made following the announcement, a spokesman stated: “Our company is committed to taking care of workers. This program will ensure that even though our employees cannot survive solely on the wages we pay, they will be able to cover their bills and become indebted to their employer instead of a malicious third party.”

When asked how the loans would ultimately be paid off, a financial strategist for one of the companies indicated that the employees would be contractually obligated to work longer hours and could not leave their job while still in debt.

NASA to Sell Sweets, Bag Groceries to Fund Space Exploration

Just days after announcing that a lack of funding had put future Mars missions on hold, NASA released a new plan for scraping together the money to continue operating. NASA will take a page out of the Girl Scouts of America’s playbook, selling candy and cookies door to door as well as sending astronauts to local grocery stores to bag for tips.

It is unclear how effective the campaign will be and how long raising the estimated 100 billion dollars needed for the next Mars mission will take, but NASA administrators remain confident that their Moon Cakes and Astronaut Ice Cream will be big sellers nationwide. Photo Credit: Robert Markowitz / NASA.

Private Prison Erects ‘The Freer the Market, the Freer the People’ Billboard Using Inmate Labor

The issue of private prisons has made its way onto party platforms leading up to the next round of gubernatorial and congressional elections. With their survival in question, some private prisons have taken to actively lobbying and campaigning to remain in the industry.

One prison used its excess funds to publicly advertise the benefits of privatization in industry. The billboard in question overlooks a busy interstate and depicts a smiling family. One prisoner who was interviewed indicated that each laborer was paid a wage of $0.16 per hour while working on the project. Photo Credit: Bob Jagendorf.