Social Justice Activists Sue NASA for not Making Solar Eclipse Accessible to all Americans

According to a lawsuit filed on Monday afternoon, several social justice groups are suing NASA over the most recent solar eclipse. The suit alleges that NASA engaged in discriminatory practices by failing to reschedule or redistribute the eclipse so that the phenomenon was available to every American. One of the activist groups published the following statement:

“The path of the total solar eclipse passed bisected the contiguous United States in a thin line from Oregon to South Carolina, leaving most Americans without the opportunity to see the best effects. NASA repeatedly ignored our requests to either widen the path of the total eclipse or to reschedule it for a later date.”

When asked for comment in a Skype interview, a spokesman for NASA sighed, placed his head in his hands, and began muttering before cutting off the video feed. Photo Credit: NASA.


Special Counsel Mueller Expands Team to Include Hot Dog Cart, Soft Pretzel Vendor

The impaneling of a grand jury by special counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday has unfortunately overshadowed other important news. Mueller welcomed two new members to his team of experienced prosecutors and lawyers: a hot dog cart and a soft pretzel vendor. Reports indicate that the investigative team was tired of eating frozen and pre-prepared meals during their work and used the freedom afforded to the special counsel to secure two sources of fresh hot food for the office.

The White House legal team indicated that they were investigating possible conflicts of interest in the two new hires, including whether either vendor had sold food to Hillary Clinton or other Democratic politicians in the past. Photo Credit: Kathleen Tyler Conklin.

Cold War 2: Cold Harder


Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts


In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 

White House Lawyers Double Down, Question Existence of Russia in Press Release

The daily publication of new information related to alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government has left the White House legal team rushing to respond. Lawyers for the President, instead of answering each new allegation separately, have opted for a different approach.

“The witch hunt defaming the President’s campaign practices is unprecedented and completely unfounded,” wrote newly hired lawyer Ty Cobb. “We do not even know if this alleged state of Russia exists, let alone whether there was meddling or collusion on anyone’s part during the election.”

Democrats Still Call For Hillary Clinton to Endure a Game of Thrones Style “Walk of Shame” over “Unloseable” Election


Eight months later, Democratic voters are still upset after the unexpected loss of the presidential election. They now have their anger aimed at their losing candidate, Hillary Clinton. Voters have rallied together, demanding that Hillary endures a “walk of shame” in the likes of HBO’s Game of Thrones. An online petition has already gathered over 400,000 signatures, so it looks like it may be time to hire a nun to follow Hilary around the streets of DC.

ICE Mix-up Leads to Detention of Enrique Iglesias Tribute Band ‘Bad Hombres’

While increased Immigration and Customs Enforcement presence in border states has reduced illegal immigration, the broad scope of operations has returned some false positives. Officers took the order to deport “bad hombres” literally, and performed a sting at a concert held in El Paso featuring the band ‘Bad Hombres’, who play hard rock covers of Enrique Iglesias songs.

A lawyer for the band released a statement that the members of the group were initially scheduled for deportation despite all members being natural-born United States citizens,
though they have since been released.