New Electric Car Brand, Edison, Appears to be Selling Old Teslas

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The above image, a 2016 Tesla Model S, is also being sold by the new electric car company, Edison, as the 2017 Edison Model R. Tesla founder Elon Musk released the specifications of his electric cars years ago in an attempt to help save the environment, but never intended for a competitor to copy them this blatantly. The CEO of Edison, Ulon Mesk, has said he has nothing but respect for Mr. Musk, and he is only trying to improve upon his initial design. It is unclear if there is a single difference between the two cars. It should also be noted that Mr. Mesk appears to be Mr. Musk, but wearing a novelty mustache. A reporter was unable to get close enough to attempt to take it off.

Cold War 2: Cold Harder

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Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

FDA Aims to Cut Nicotine in Cigarettes, Add it to Sweet Tarts

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In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained. 

Majority of Americans Cannot Tell Real News From Fake News/Satire

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According to a recent study, 83% of Americans polled put at least five out of ten headlines into the wrong categories, and 26% got seven out of ten wrong. That’s right, a large majority of Americans just cannot tell the difference between real and fake news. A popular “fake” article that was placed in the “real” category was “UN Panel Concludes Global Warming a Fraud” with 68% of respondents falling for it. On the other end of the spectrum, a popular “real” article that was placed in the “fake” category was “President Trump Under Investigation by FBI” with 58% of respondents getting it wrong. Now more than ever, it is our civic duty to keep ourselves up to date with the facts, and to make sure that we do not fall for fake news.

We Cannot Forget the Kardashians

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In a media age dominated by coverage of President Trump and his policies, it can be easy to forget that there are other stories going on right now. This is why I am taking a stand and running a story about America’s most important family, the Kardashians.

Earlier this week, Kim ate a sandwich. In her own words, “It was good.” Fascinating! Kylie tried on some new lipstick and Instagram loved it! Aside from all of the hate mail, that is, but nothing can stop her! Kendall and Kourtney spent a relaxing weekend getaway in Mexico; how lucky are they! Also, Caitlyn still hasn’t committed vehicular homicide since her transition, how brave! All in all, it looks like the Kardashians had a pretty good week.

Ivanka Resigns as Trump’s Daughter

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Ouch, another major blow to President Trump! Ivanka is resigning the role of his daughter. “I think it’s time to do some re-branding,” Ivanka stated, “and just like one of my ancestors changed their last name from Drumpf to Trump, I think I’ll change my last name to Tront. It is time for me to disown my father and his name and become my own woman.”

So what does this mean for President Trump? He’s now out of a Press Secretary, the head of his legal team, and his daughter, all in the same day. With so much turmoil in the White House, we better hope he’s still got his head on straight.

Gay Parents Upset Adopted Son is Choosing to be Straight

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It’s a tragedy. Oklahoma residents Terry and Bill are absolutely devastated by their son, Jimmy, and his choice to be straight.  “At first we thought it was just a phase,” moaned Terry, “we though, okay Jimmy, you’ll get over this and become properly gay. You’ll come home with an incredibly handsome husband one day. But instead, now he’s 25 and engaged to a woman!” This sort of betrayal is almost unheard of. If only Terry and Bill had thought to send their son to a conversion camp when they still had legal authority over him.