The above image, a 2016 Tesla Model S, is also being sold by the new electric car company, Edison, as the 2017 Edison Model R. Tesla founder Elon Musk released the specifications of his electric cars years ago in an attempt to help save the environment, but never intended for a competitor to copy them this blatantly. The CEO of Edison, Ulon Mesk, has said he has nothing but respect for Mr. Musk, and he is only trying to improve upon his initial design. It is unclear if there is a single difference between the two cars. It should also be noted that Mr. Mesk appears to be Mr. Musk, but wearing a novelty mustache. A reporter was unable to get close enough to attempt to take it off.
Several manufacturing plants in the United States have introduced a new tool aimed at increasing worker productivity. Employees will receive a “humane” electric shock at their workstations when their actions per minute drop below a standardized factory minimum.
Factory owners are in perpetual search of methods of increasing worker productivity, though older practices such as locking fire doors have fallen out of practice. The use of cattle prods is part of a new generation of innovation, one that complies with the “restrictive” workplace safety standards that hamstring production in many countries.
In a shocking announcement, the Food and Drug Administration has declared its goal to cut the nicotine levels in cigarettes down to almost non-existent. Once this goal has been accomplished, the FDA are plan to redistribute the excess nicotine to Nestle so that they can put it into their Sweet Tarts. In a statement, a spokesperson from this FDA had this to say: “The tobacco industry has been hogging all of the nicotine for too long. It has been a monopoly. Well we have now broken up this monopoly and we are going to help failing American businesses with it. We will revitalize America’s hard candy market!” More details to follow as they are attained.
Due to the actions of millennials, another once booming industry is in freefall. Millennials entering adulthood and becoming consumers in the news market are sabotaging the market for reporting on how their generation is ruining the world. One reporter complained that “millennials have less money to spend out of college and they are using it for things like student loan payments and rent instead of buying magazines that blame them for our country’s woes. It is truly disgusting how this entitled generation is selfishly destroying industries that those before them worked to build.”
A millennial interviewed by Real Fake News Report tried to excuse his behavior by explaining: “I’m making minimum wage with a bachelor’s degree and I can barely afford to eat three meals a day. There’s no way I’m buying some overpriced magazines every month.” In spite of stagnant wages and skyrocketing tuition costs, millennials will just have to suck it up and cut out some of their other expenses to save the industry. Photo Credit: Jon S.
The senior leadership of several large US based companies have announced a new assistance program for employees struggling to make ends meet amid calls for liveable wages. The companies plan to use extra capital to provide loans to their employees at rates slightly higher than the alleged “predatory” payday loans that many are currently forced to take out. This would allow them to pay the difference of rent, utilities, food, and other living expenses that exceed the amount employees make working full time.
In a public relations statement made following the announcement, a spokesman stated: “Our company is committed to taking care of workers. This program will ensure that even though our employees cannot survive solely on the wages we pay, they will be able to cover their bills and become indebted to their employer instead of a malicious third party.”
When asked how the loans would ultimately be paid off, a financial strategist for one of the companies indicated that the employees would be contractually obligated to work longer hours and could not leave their job while still in debt.
As per President Trump’s orders, Yosemite National Park is to be the first of many to be transformed into National Industrial Parks. In a quote, President Trump defended this policy decision. “Here in America, we’ve got so much nature. We’ve got the best nature. And we’ve got the best industry, but we can improve it. So why not improve it? So that’s why I’m making these National Parks Natural Industrial Parks. Who doesn’t love a National Park? And they’ll only be better as industrial parks. Believe me. It’ll be the best Natural Industrial Park in the world. You’ll love it.”
The public discovery of a “magic money tree” that provides massive amounts of capital has sent the United Kingdom into political turmoil, just months after Prime Minister Theresa May told a nurse employed by the NHS that such a thing did not exist. The figurative lack of such a source of funding has been cited by May as the reason for the harsh austerity measures some claim undermine the effectiveness of public services.
When confronted about the existence of the tree, Prime Minister May fled through the wheat fields of a neighboring farm, avoiding any requests for comment. Photo Credit: Papa November / Wikimedia Commons.