Magic Money Tree Discovered on Parliament Grounds, Austerity Measures Still in Place

The public discovery of a “magic money tree” that provides massive amounts of capital has sent the United Kingdom into political turmoil, just months after Prime Minister Theresa May told a nurse employed by the NHS that such a thing did not exist. The figurative lack of such a source of funding has been cited by May as the reason for the harsh austerity measures some claim undermine the effectiveness of public services.

When confronted about the existence of the tree, Prime Minister May fled through the wheat fields of a neighboring farm, avoiding any requests for comment. Photo Credit: Papa November / Wikimedia Commons.

Congress to Slash Federal Assistance Programs, will Sell Bootstraps for Impoverished to Pull Themselves up by

Reducing the deficit is no easy task, but senior members of Congress think they have a plan to decrease spending and help the economy. Senator Mitch McConnell addressed reporters this morning, saying “The proposed legislation is multifaceted. We can reduce government expenditures by eliminating the welfare programs that weigh down the poor with unnecessary money and create a source of revenue.”

One of the first programs to be cut will be heating assistance, which Senator McConnell explained by stating “The heat generated as the poor attempt to pull themselves up will eliminate the need for heating altogether. It’s science.”

Border Wall Proposal Causes Price of Avocado Toast to Skyrocket, Millennials Default on Student Loans En Masse

The border wall project between the United States and Mexico has had disastrous economic ramifications. As the price of avocado toast has risen due to speculation of shortages, millennials across the country are making the decision to let their student loans go into default rather than find alternative breakfast options. Photo Credit: Nan Palmero.

The Zucchini Industry is Dying: Millennials Probably to Blame

Another one of America’s most important crops is going the way of the dodo thanks to millennials, apparently. It leads us to ask: What industry death will millennials probably be at fault for next?