Intelligence Report Confirms North Korean Missiles use Diet Coke and Mentos as Propulsion

This past week has been a tumultuous international contest of strength as North Korea and the United States refuse to stand down, touting their military capabilities and ability to destroy each other and the world several times over. However, North Korea may be overstating the readiness and effectiveness levels of its Intercontinental Ballistic Missile program, claiming that the warheads are able to reach U.S. territories such as Guam.

An intelligence report circulating in Washington D.C., Tokyo, Seoul, and Beijing today indicates that rather than using conventional rocket engines, North Korean missiles rely solely on the physical reaction between Diet Coke and Mentos. The specifications outlined in the report estimate that North Korean ballistic missiles have an approximate range of 10 meters from launch, slightly less than the 3,430 kilometers that separate North Korea and Guam. This revelation is not particularly shocking, as last month another report confirmed that due to a shortage of gunpowder the North Korean Army was manufacturing land mines filled with Pop Rocks instead of explosive material. Photo Credit: Kalamazoo Public Library.


Cold War 2: Cold Harder


Who doesn’t love a good sequel? After the cliffhanger ending of the first Cold War, it would appear that the US and Russia are at it again to bring us the long awaited Cold War 2. We last left things off with the United States and Russia in an uneasy truce, but because of Russia’s “alleged” interference in the US election things are getting heated again.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are going to go head-to-head as two global superpowers clash. Puppet governments will be formed, military conflicts will be had, but never with each other! It’s the continuation of the constant “will they, won’t they” that we’ve craved for so long. Who knows what and the brilliant mind behind The Apprentice will bring us with this new project.

White House Lawyers Double Down, Question Existence of Russia in Press Release

The daily publication of new information related to alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government has left the White House legal team rushing to respond. Lawyers for the President, instead of answering each new allegation separately, have opted for a different approach.

“The witch hunt defaming the President’s campaign practices is unprecedented and completely unfounded,” wrote newly hired lawyer Ty Cobb. “We do not even know if this alleged state of Russia exists, let alone whether there was meddling or collusion on anyone’s part during the election.”

Obesity Epidemic in America Threatens to Tip Over the World


As we all know, the Earth is flat, and The United States of America lies almost directly on the eastern edge. Over the past few decades, America’s population has gotten more and more obese. According to the findings of prominent researchers in the field, the Earth could soon flip over if America does not get their obesity epidemic under control soon. If no action is taken, then at best we have ten years before these fat Americans flip over the Earth and send us all hurtling into the empty vacuum of space.

Magic Money Tree Discovered on Parliament Grounds, Austerity Measures Still in Place

The public discovery of a “magic money tree” that provides massive amounts of capital has sent the United Kingdom into political turmoil, just months after Prime Minister Theresa May told a nurse employed by the NHS that such a thing did not exist. The figurative lack of such a source of funding has been cited by May as the reason for the harsh austerity measures some claim undermine the effectiveness of public services.

When confronted about the existence of the tree, Prime Minister May fled through the wheat fields of a neighboring farm, avoiding any requests for comment. Photo Credit: Papa November / Wikimedia Commons.

North Korea Tested Another Missile And Shockingly It Did Not Go Well


Yesterday, North Korea conducted its latest missile test. The launch, dubbed the Superb Hate of Industrialization Test, failed spectacularly. Of the 250 miles the missile was supposed to travel it made it less than seven. Of course, to the people of North Korea, that means the missile traveled 70,000 miles, or almost three full times around the Earth.  

Saudi Arabia Bans Surfer Movies over Fear of ‘Radicalizing’ Muslim Youth

A spokesman for the Saudi government announced on Tuesday a new law that bans any media or reference to surfer films and culture. The ban was unexpected, and blindsided many in a country that has a large population of youths with plenty of time to enjoy such activities.

The justification for the ban may be a case of surfer lingo being “lost in translation”, as the words “rad” and “radical” appear frequently following a dangerous or daring act.