Congress to Slash Federal Assistance Programs, will Sell Bootstraps for Impoverished to Pull Themselves up by

Reducing the deficit is no easy task, but senior members of Congress think they have a plan to decrease spending and help the economy. Senator Mitch McConnell addressed reporters this morning, saying “The proposed legislation is multifaceted. We can reduce government expenditures by eliminating the welfare programs that weigh down the poor with unnecessary money and create a source of revenue.”

One of the first programs to be cut will be heating assistance, which Senator McConnell explained by stating “The heat generated as the poor attempt to pull themselves up will eliminate the need for heating altogether. It’s science.”