US Solar Panel Production Ceases After Rising Concerns That There is Not Enough Sun to Go Around

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Protesters fear that should the US become dependent on solar energy, it could cause the Sun to burn out. “Eternal darkness is the Devil’s domain,” one protester stated, “and I ain’t givin’ in to the Devil.”

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Border Wall Proposal Causes Price of Avocado Toast to Skyrocket, Millennials Default on Student Loans En Masse

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The border wall project between the United States and Mexico has had disastrous economic ramifications. As the price of avocado toast has risen due to speculation of shortages, millennials across the country are making the decision to let their student loans go into default rather than find alternative breakfast options. Photo Credit: Nan Palmero.

New GOP Healthcare Bill is a Game Changer

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Move over Obamacare! The new GOP Healthcare bill is a bill for everybody. It grants every participant the same exact rights: each time they utilize healthcare services, they must pay the bill in full. Equality win! Participants are also welcome and encouraged to seek out their own healthcare plan in the private sector, which boosts the economy. Win-win!

Bernie Sanders uses Profits from Socialist Manifesto to Buy Fourth House

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Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont’s new bestselling book Equalize the Wealth: Planning for a Better America has been flying off of bookstore shelves nationwide. At the low price of $49.99, it is hardly surprising that Senator Sanders was able to purchase his fourth home, a spacious lakeside mansion in Vermont. Photo Credit: Phil Roeder.

The Zucchini Industry is Dying: Millennials Probably to Blame

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Another one of America’s most important crops is going the way of the dodo thanks to millennials, apparently. It leads us to ask: What industry death will millennials probably be at fault for next?

As Sources of Valuable Artifacts Dwindle, ISIS turns to Selling Macaroni Art for Funding

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The Islamic State, continuing to lose territory, has begun to experience a shortage of stolen artifacts to offer for sale. In response, smugglers have resorted to selling handmade crafts, such as macaroni glued to paper plates.

White House Kitchen Staff Denies Collusion after Preparation of Perfect Beef Stroganoff

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House Democrats called for an investigation into possible collusion between the White House kitchen staff and the Russian government after images of President Trump being served a perfectly prepared dish of Beef Stroganoff surfaced online Friday. Photo Credit: Samantha Appleton.